A Heartfelt Salute to the Sun

If you have not yet read my Why All This Yoga post, I suggest you do before reading any further...they are interconnected.

A year ago today, someone I loved very much passed away.  I have found myself thinking about her a lot lately, especially for the last week.  It seems that whenever a kind of anniversary comes up, even one as saddening as this, we tend to concentrate on these people or incidences more deeply.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, even if it is just for a second, but oddly enough when the one year mark comes up, it seems to be even more sad.  I guess we attach a lot of meaning to anniversaries.  Personally, I find these times more difficult because I start to recall where I was, exactly a year ago.  For the last week I kept thinking "Well, this time last year I was at the hospital with her", or, "This time last year, at this very minute, I got that troubling phone call notifying me that she had passed...".  So it is in the reminiscing of these moments that make this time hard.  When this was all happening, I didn't go to work for days, so I could be near her and the family.  When I had to go back to work, I would go straight to the hospital afterwards but not without making a quick pit stop to pick up coffees for everyone, who sat by her side for days, waiting for what we were told was the inevitable.  During this unfortunate time, I learned a lot about myself and my loved ones.  I learned that we are strong, and that we care for each other more than words can ever describe, and that I could ever fathom.  I desperately tried to be a pillar of strength for everyone, but at times forgot that I am human and had to let myself feel all the emotions that were trying so desperately to escape me.  My mom put it best- she said "You're just like me: you freeze your brain when things get tough."  So perhaps my brain has still been slightly frozen for the last year, but slowly and slowly, I start to let the feelings out, whenever I feel they need to be liberated.

So I find myself today, sitting behind my computer, feeling like I need to do something more than hold back tears.  I unfortunately cannot make it to my yoga class this afternoon, but I will be doing something in lieu of that.  When I go home today, I want to do something for her.  What better way to honor someone but by dedicating a yoga practice to them?  I will do many Sun Salutations, and dedicate them to her.  My chest will be up towards the sky, and my heart will be open to her.  When my arms and hands are up, I will feel her fingertips lightly touching mine.  I will direct all my positive energy, my strength and my love up near her.  In exchange, I know I will feel her love come down towards me.  I have become a more dedicated yoga student through her life, and through her death.  Today, this posting along with my several rounds of Sun Salutations are for you, Deb.  Love you.  Miss you.

Namaste,
Lady Lotus